A little backstory:
This year, I took myself to therapy for the first time. My dad had died super suddenly, I had quit my high paying, fast-paced job in a fit of anxiety-induced despair and I wished I were dead. After I flung alll of my grievances at my therapist, as though she were the cause of my near breakdown, she asked me a series of questions.
“What are your values? What are your hobbies? What do you do for yourself?” Blankly, I stared at her. I had to admit to myself that I didn’t know. I didn’t do anything for myself. I spent all of my energy at work and afterward I could only rarely muster the gumption to get in the shower. I broke down and cried that I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I lamented about how I used to do things; I used to read books, I would run, I would do workouts in the morning before work. I ate nutritious foods regularly. Even just two years prior, I’d lost 80 pounds and felt great about myself! Now I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror, fast food was convenient and numbed my nearly crippling anxiety, and sleep was the GREAT ESCAPE.
I need you, dear reader, to understand this doesn’t have an easy fix. I’m on three medications to right my brain chemistry, and I still struggle with a good many of these issues. But, I no longer wish I were dead, and I have a newfound zest for activity. This whole website is designed to keep me accountable and document my journey. It’s taken me a year to muster the courage to go public with this.
I’m working on myself. It’s still hard for me to do the things I know will make me feel better. I feel shame and guilt every day because I am my children’s first role model, and I am struggling to do right by them. Every week I go grocery shopping with good intentions, and invariably end up with produce rotting in one of my drawers.
Anyway, I’ve been shopping for used craft supplies via Facebook Marketplace. I’ve purchased a woodburning tool, stencils, soapmaking kits, and a Cricut + supplies. I’ve purchased hundreds of dollars’ worth of yarn (for $55!) and BOLTS of winter themed flannel fabric. I’ve talked myself into crocheting, so far, I’ve made myself a purse, my son a stuffed pumpkin, and some square face scrubbies. I’m currently learning to crochet granny squares, and I just want to shout out to everyone on YouTube that ever thought to make a tutorial for something they were good at creating. I talked my partner into buying me a sewing machine for Christmas and giving it to me early, so that I can create Christmas stockings and handmade gifts. So far, I’ve made 8 practice stockings. They get better with each one, but I still have more to make before I can hang them.
The photos will not be professional. This might be embarrassing. It will also be raw and authentic, and I’m hoping to find a community of people who can identify with me and will choose to participate with me on this journey of self-discovery.